"IF HE BRINGS YOU TO IT, HE WILL SEE YOU THROUGH IT"

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Is your love a farse?

For my Personal Growth in Intimate Relationship course I am asked to write a blog to help out other college students or friends with love. I am going to use the information that was provided for me in this post. I believe that most of the information that with come hereafter most of us know, but we deny because of the innocent veil we were when we are "in love". We often hear from the generation that came before us, "your young, what do you know about love?" They only prod us with this question because there veil is no more. Its in their past and they see these young kids making some mistakes that they made. If you interested, follow me into triangular world of love that has to do with commitment, intimacy and passion. 


Consider these words... different types of love. 
Non love
liking
infatuation
empty love
romantic love
companionate love
fatuous love 
consummate love


The three in bold I feel I should discuss. 
Romantic love, I believe, is one of the largest factors of why the divorce rate is the way it is. People go into a relationship desiring the movies, Gone with the Wind and The Notebook type of love. There is nothing wrong with having a fantasy, but it will hurt you when you allow it to blind your heart from the reality of a intimate relationship. Statistically, one who is in a type of romantic love, loses this passion that drove them into the deep end. Romance begins with a strong arousal to one another and veils the negative, and sometimes damaging, aspects of the other. You think "I love him, he is so good to me, I get butterflies every time we hold hands" and your friends see "he is controlling, we never see you and whenever we try to do something with you, there is always an excuse." This is the honeymoon stage. If this continues and you damage all of the healthy relationships... there may be something to reevaluate. You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else. By saying this, you need to be able to operate without the other to be a whole person. The person you love cannot truly be the thing that makes you "whole". You should strive to be "whole" before you seek a relationship and when it comes time to mesh with the other, you can bring all of your positive aspects to the table and become a great secure couple. If you are both insecure than you will see that your passion will decrease after marriage and will fizzle to nothing... you will have no identity because your identity was this relationship that is now... nothing. 


Fatuous love is the type of love that may most likely lead you into a relationship that leads to controlling issues. This love is very dangerous because of the amount of passion associated between the two involved. This love has passion and commitment but little intimacy. If you feel you are in a relationship with little intimacy and strong commitment and passion, you may feel that you have a strong relationship and be misguided because of the amount of commitment. Consider that you are committed to the relationship and that passion that may be involved, but the lack of intimacy really takes a shot at you self esteem. You may consider talking to a counselor and determine whether your relationship is the cause for you low self esteem and self loving. 


Thirdly, Consummate love. I hear the word consummate and automatically thing of the wedding night. The night you "consummate" your marriage, as most people assume. This may be all so true because when you are in a consummate love, you are high in intimacy, passion and commitment. All of these are present and so strong that this is the type of love that can withstand the test of time. This love has a healthy dose of all and when lacking in one, the others may provide the help needed to bring back what is low. Most believe that marriage is a 50/50. In reality, this is far from the truth. When you say, "in sickness and in health", you mean in sickness you will take on more to be sure that your significant other is comfortable and taken care of. This goes the same for when your sick or incapable, your spouse will be sure to pull more than 50% of the weight to make sure you are taken care of. It does not work 50/50 all the time. People go into marriages thinking it supposed to be 50/50 and when they see that is not, they throw in the towel because they have "given too much" and in reality they didn't realize the commitment they made included times when you give more of yourself than expected. When a woman is pregnant, the man cannot provide the 50/50 because the woman is the one who is pregnant. Often times when the baby is born, the mother breastfeeds, and the father feels out of the loop. He wants to provide for his new baby and mom is still the source of most providing. This is just how it happens and in time you will find a way to see a balance. In times of unbalance, ride it out... before you consider the next step into marriage, ask yourself if you are prepared to be committed to this person for the rest of your life, in sickness and in health? Is it just romance? Do you desire something that is just not there? Is this person willing to give more in times of need? Are you blinded by the idea of romance and fantasy? Love isn't a game and we shouldn't treat it as such, there are no winners if you treat it this way.