Is your love a farse?

For my Personal Growth in Intimate Relationship course I am asked to write a blog to help out other college students or friends with love. I am going to use the information that was provided for me in this post. I believe that most of the information that with come hereafter most of us know, but we deny because of the innocent veil we were when we are "in love". We often hear from the generation that came before us, "your young, what do you know about love?" They only prod us with this question because there veil is no more. Its in their past and they see these young kids making some mistakes that they made. If you interested, follow me into triangular world of love that has to do with commitment, intimacy and passion. 


Consider these words... different types of love. 
Non love
liking
infatuation
empty love
romantic love
companionate love
fatuous love 
consummate love


The three in bold I feel I should discuss. 
Romantic love, I believe, is one of the largest factors of why the divorce rate is the way it is. People go into a relationship desiring the movies, Gone with the Wind and The Notebook type of love. There is nothing wrong with having a fantasy, but it will hurt you when you allow it to blind your heart from the reality of a intimate relationship. Statistically, one who is in a type of romantic love, loses this passion that drove them into the deep end. Romance begins with a strong arousal to one another and veils the negative, and sometimes damaging, aspects of the other. You think "I love him, he is so good to me, I get butterflies every time we hold hands" and your friends see "he is controlling, we never see you and whenever we try to do something with you, there is always an excuse." This is the honeymoon stage. If this continues and you damage all of the healthy relationships... there may be something to reevaluate. You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else. By saying this, you need to be able to operate without the other to be a whole person. The person you love cannot truly be the thing that makes you "whole". You should strive to be "whole" before you seek a relationship and when it comes time to mesh with the other, you can bring all of your positive aspects to the table and become a great secure couple. If you are both insecure than you will see that your passion will decrease after marriage and will fizzle to nothing... you will have no identity because your identity was this relationship that is now... nothing. 


Fatuous love is the type of love that may most likely lead you into a relationship that leads to controlling issues. This love is very dangerous because of the amount of passion associated between the two involved. This love has passion and commitment but little intimacy. If you feel you are in a relationship with little intimacy and strong commitment and passion, you may feel that you have a strong relationship and be misguided because of the amount of commitment. Consider that you are committed to the relationship and that passion that may be involved, but the lack of intimacy really takes a shot at you self esteem. You may consider talking to a counselor and determine whether your relationship is the cause for you low self esteem and self loving. 


Thirdly, Consummate love. I hear the word consummate and automatically thing of the wedding night. The night you "consummate" your marriage, as most people assume. This may be all so true because when you are in a consummate love, you are high in intimacy, passion and commitment. All of these are present and so strong that this is the type of love that can withstand the test of time. This love has a healthy dose of all and when lacking in one, the others may provide the help needed to bring back what is low. Most believe that marriage is a 50/50. In reality, this is far from the truth. When you say, "in sickness and in health", you mean in sickness you will take on more to be sure that your significant other is comfortable and taken care of. This goes the same for when your sick or incapable, your spouse will be sure to pull more than 50% of the weight to make sure you are taken care of. It does not work 50/50 all the time. People go into marriages thinking it supposed to be 50/50 and when they see that is not, they throw in the towel because they have "given too much" and in reality they didn't realize the commitment they made included times when you give more of yourself than expected. When a woman is pregnant, the man cannot provide the 50/50 because the woman is the one who is pregnant. Often times when the baby is born, the mother breastfeeds, and the father feels out of the loop. He wants to provide for his new baby and mom is still the source of most providing. This is just how it happens and in time you will find a way to see a balance. In times of unbalance, ride it out... before you consider the next step into marriage, ask yourself if you are prepared to be committed to this person for the rest of your life, in sickness and in health? Is it just romance? Do you desire something that is just not there? Is this person willing to give more in times of need? Are you blinded by the idea of romance and fantasy? Love isn't a game and we shouldn't treat it as such, there are no winners if you treat it this way.

Shake it off!

Lets begin... with an ending!
School is done for this semester, with the exception of an online math test and final. Those are none to worry. Just so glad to be done with that stress and ready to be done with the stress of moving (aren't we always moving ?? ) Hopefully once the air is clear I can breathe a sigh of relief and my face will clear! These zits are only adding to my stress!!

The boys are getting ever so big. I just wish I could ball up our little moments and savor them. Since I don't think we will be able to head to Oregon for the family vacation, I'm hoping to be able to spring up to San Diego to get some good family time. If anyone has any ideas for cheap tickets to Sea World or San Diego Zoo let me know!

P90X is pretty exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time. Doing it in increments (not the 90 day straight craziness) but still seeing results :)

I think we are due for some family pictures...

We mess up sometimes

Silly faces!

Ok... In reality, I should be writing something I should have written one two nights ago... I had something more urgent than that tonight and that thing that should have been written could wait. I want to share something with you all...

Easter at Mission. 

I have done a lot of thinking and I am literally counting my blessings left and right. There are some things in life that we, as a family, wish we could be doing, like many other families have, but it is not our time. I have to be okay with that. Why? Because I am overwhelming blessed in so many areas in my life that I should not look down upon those areas in which others may think I am "poor" in. Life is just that - one giant blessing. 

with my sister and neice :)

how is p90x? Amazing! Just making time for it instead of sticking to its "90" day philosophy. Because its so fun I want to do it all the time. With the semester coming to an end, thats just plain impossible!

Promises Promises

I can't begin to tell you how many times I have promised myself I will do something, or continue doing something, then I look back wondering what kept me from keeping these random promises. It all boils down to time. I could sit and dwell on the fact that I made promises that I didn't keep for myself, but I wont, why? It wastes time! 

Some updates. Benjamin is 2 and Mason is 4. O My Goodness! I just can't get over how big these boys are! They amaze me everyday, like on Saturday when Ben unraveled the entire roll of toilet tissue and decided he was going to flush it ALL down our only toilet that never flushes what it needs to most of the time anyway! Needless to say, I plunged for an hour and a half while making dinner. Having to use a cup to get the excess water from NOT splashing while I was plunging, into the bathroom, which then clogged too! Then Sterling and Phil come and Phil gets it on his first try. Of course. Thank goodness Benjamin wasn't trying to flush poop down. Phew!


Mason had a super fun birthday party, as you can see in the following pictures.

Love this picture of Natalie :)

Mason showing off for his friend Ava <3

Benjamin's face is priceless in both of these  

Mason HAD to make a goofy face.

We are going to try out P90X tonight and see if we can "commit" to it. Thanks Casey for letting us borrow it! Hope it doesnt end up in the "what made us not go through with our promise" pile. 


 Tomorrow is Sterling's 25th birthday! To infinity!

Endearing Benjamin Franklin

My dear Friend, June 25, 1745
I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entering into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. lie is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissars. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.
-Benjamin Franklin

Some food for thought....

without a trace

I find it completely mind consuming that certain people in my life have just been completely erased from the scene in my life. With social networking and technology these days, you'd think it'd be easier to keep in touch than for someone to just "dissappear".
Let me explain to particular instances.
1. a friend from NC that I was great friends with since junior high just disappeared. This loss of communication isn't new with him, but with all of the factors that were considered, I accepted those as just busy time. He was a marine and recently ended his career there. He was married and now has a baby boy. By nature, I like to check in with friends to be sure they are well and keep up with the times. We typically didn't speak for months, often years, at a time. Since he had been deployed to Afghanistan and Iraq on different tours. I would randomly search his name, to make sure the "no news is good news" rang true. I was able to catch up with him just around the time his son was born. Then kept up on facebook for a couple months, then POOF! Gone. I sent him a Hello via phone and nothing. Then it appeared that he deleted his facebook. Okay, facebook isn't for everyone. When talking with our fellow middle school friends he comes up since he was in our circle. Searched him again today, nothing. Search his wife, there she was with a profile pic of all 3 of them. Married to: a code name, 100 percent sure it was him, with none of his friends that he had on his original facebook page. Is that a sign that he isn't wanting to be found. Point taken.
2. Girldfriend from work (previous employer). We were super close and she was there for the birth of Mason. So was a breath of fresh air and always so sweet and true. She disappeared after I found out I was pregnant with Benjamin. POOF! I tried contacting her on myspace (only form of communication since she had changed her number) I didn't want her to think I was phasing her out or anything, wanted to make sure I was putting in my effort. Just gone. Tried sending her a request as to why she wasnt responding to any of my inquiries. You have to keep in mind, I'm not the "stalker" type. We were super close, she even did my make up for my wedding. Since I was already on the search for friend number 1 who vanished, I figured I would search her to. There she was, tempted to message her, I didn't. We didn't have a falling out or anything of the sort, that's why these disappearing acts are so strange to me. Since she hadn't responded before, why would she now? Point taken. 
Anyone have any ideas as to why people vanish like this? Personally I think the more connections you have in life, the more meaningful and fulfilling. Has anyone else had this happen, without a word? Is it strange that I keep checking in on these long lost friends?